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A (Totally Fake) Interview with J.J. Abrams

We here at The Malted Meeple are eagerly awaiting the release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Until then, we are keeping the excitement alive through some interesting Star Wars blog posts. Guest blogger Mitch Cooper returns this week with an interview – a totally made up interview – about the film, with J.J. Abrams himself.

Interviewer: Hi, J.J. – Is it OK if I call you “J.J.”? How are you?

J.J. Abrams: Well, I haven’t slept since 2002, with rebooting Star Trek, Star Wars and countless failed TV shows to create. But, I drink a Red Bull, powder my nose and everything is great. And, yes, you may call me “J.J.”

I: Great, I was going to anyway. My first question is this: What on Earth made you create a lightsaber with a hilt??

JJ: Well, there was a lot of debate about whether we should do it or not, but at the end of the day it was all about creating something that I can call my own and not give George Lucas credit for. He can take credit for Jar Jar Binks; I want the props for the new, updated lightsaber. I mean, who saw that one coming?

I: Why did you want to take over Star Wars?

JJ: Did you see the last three – or is it the first three? I can never get that straight. They were terrible! When Samuel L. Jackson getting shocked and thrown off a building is the best scene in three movies, you know you did something wrong. And what about Darth Maul? How did they completely screw up one of the coolest characters in the saga? He just stood there like a piece of Bantha fodder as it took Obi-Wan five seconds to leap over him and swing his lightsaber. Lamest. End. Ever.

I: What other new and exciting things are you bringing to the Star Wars series that it didn’t have before?

JJ: Lens flair! Lots and lots of lens flair. If you thought there was too much in my Star Trek reboots, you ain’t seen nothing yet! But, enough about me and what I’m doing. What is it that YOU want from this movie?

I: Me? What do I want?  Well, for starters, I want it not to suck. I don’t want it to use special effects just to use special effects. I want there to be a story; a legitimate story that doesn’t simply use the events from the original trilogy to put together a cheesy plot, but one that uses beloved characters in a smart, and not down-your-throat kind of way. By the way, did you have any part in creating Gotham?

(Abrams shakes his head)

Anyways, I want something that is well thought out and advances the storyline into something new, but equally as impressive, as the first one. You already have a strong cast to support it, so don’t totally blow it. If there is anything to be learned about science-fiction movies of late, it’s that directors try to impress the audience so much with the visual, that they don’t take the effort to put time in on the story and advancing the characters. My final words to you are this: There are so many Star Wars fans that want to see something to make them feel like a kid again; they want to be in awe of amazing effects, but also a great story line and characters we can root for. That’s the bar you must reach, so don’t disappoint.

Oh, and J.J., did you know The Malted Meeple, in Hudson, is dedicating this month to celebrate Star Wars? Did you know that you can get a Hoth Heater, a Dagobah Swamp or a Tuskan Terror Milkshake? They’re even having a Star Wars Day on November 21st, and will be hosting Stormtroopers from the 501st Legion!

You should come. If you do, make sure to bring an Ewok or two. You can leave Jar Jar at home.